Well yesterday was a horrible day, woke up a 1am with my legs in agony, took some painkillers and walked around for a bit and it subsided so I went back to bed. Then I woke up again at about 4am and with exactly the same thing, this time unable to take any painkillers because I'd already taken codeine and paracetamol. I was feeling angry, pissed off and just gutted that yet again I didn't get any sleep. All day I just felt low, tired and anxious, everything I tried to do just screwed up and I got upset. For instance, tried to make myself breakfast, dropped an egg on the floor and pretty much broke down and started crying... just felt like I couldn't even look after myself, I know its all the steroids, mood swings plus the lack of sleep but it just makes you feel pathetic. Still I haven't been taking any of the diazapam or sleeping pills, I've just been talking it through with people and calming myself down, which has got to be a good thing.
Anyway, it was a bad day, I managed too get a bit more sleep later on in the day and felt a lot better. Plus we've figured out that the pain in my legs is due to poor circulation, so last night when I went to bed I made sure my legs were raised with pillows and I slept straight for a good 5-6 hours so I feel better this morning, probably try and get a couple more hours again later on.
With my neutrophyll levels really low at the moment not being allowed to go out to crowded places anyway is really starting to get to me, finding things to do around the house is getting tough, god knows why I've got tons of games and I'm never alone so theres always somebody to do stuff with, plus I want to start working on my Uni work but when I try and do it with not much sleep, blurry vision and a bit of a fuzzy brain it feels like I'm screwing it up and I get all anxious and upset about it. Again I know its the steroids and the radiotherapy and it WILL fade. but right now I just feel useless and I just can't seem to hold on to that positivity I had.
Having said all that, there have been moments in the last week where I've felt brilliant, my friends came to see my the other day and that was brilliant, I felt proper anxious about it beforehand just because I thought I'd be a mess but it was great. Plus sometimes after I've slept well my mind feels so clear and everything just comes together, so I KNOW this is going to get better.
